Tim Timmons | Crawfordsville, IN

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June 13, 2021

2/8/2014 1:01:00 PM
Bubba gets lesson in economics

"This here's the Mitch Daniels for President campaign calling. Is the newspaper man in?"
The voice on the other end of the phone could only belong to one person.
"Hey Bubba."
He sounded sad. "How'd you know?"
"Well, your voice is kind of . . . let's say, unique."
"Hey Timmons, know what Gov. Mitch and my truck's got in common?"
I hated to guess.
"Neither one of 'em's running," he howled with delight.
Bubba Castiron is a self-professed redneck in a blue collar. He can often be found hanging out at the Crawl-On-Inn, a little hole in the wall out in the netherlands of north-eastern Hamilton County. Usually, he's with friends, Tater, Big Country and Gumball. Today was no exception.
"Me and the boys was just sittin' here talkin' 'bout the presidential D-bates and we wanted to know somethin'."
For the life of me, I have no idea why every time they have a question they call me.
"Do ya think this whole thing is a case of electile dysfunction?"
"No, Bubba. That's not even the right term."
"Sure it is," Bubba said straight-faced. "This election don't have any of us aroused."
Lord help me.
"But seriously Timmons, we all listened to the last D-bate and how Hiz Honor the President is going to fix everything by giving more money to the middle class. We figger we're about as middle as it gets so we're thinking he's our man."
I sighed.
"Bubba, you ever been to a Colts game?"
"Lots of people there, right?"
"Well, let's say that the Colts are getting ready to play and there's a malfunction in the roof. So they call the game off before it even starts. Let's use the Democratic economic plan to explain how the refunds will work."
"Well hell, Timmons. That's easy. You just get back what you paid for your ticket."
"You might think that, Bubba. But that's not the way it works. The folks in the upper deck paid $60 for their ticket. They'll get back $75 because they clearly don't have as much money as the folks in the lower seats. We'll call that a Supplement Incremental Credit Keepsake, or SICK. People in the middle seats paid $100 for their ticket and they'll get $100 back. We'll call that a Fundamental Assessment In Relations, or FAIR. People in the box seats paid $150 per ticket. They'll get back $5 because they're rich and they can afford it. We'll call that Season Certified Renewal Enumeration Without Extra Dependents, or SCREWED. And finally, Bubba, the folks who were outside tailgating and didn't even have a ticket, they'll get $10 each because they obviously were unfairly left outside and, besides, they deserve it. We'll call that Forced Re-Entry Elusive & Offensive Aid Delivered Evenly (without) Republican Support, or FREELOADERS."
"Aw Timmons, you're just one of them rich people bitchin' about Hiz Honor the President. Me? I'm going to get me a lawn chair and sit outside the stadium. Maybe that roof'll malfunction soon."

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