Tim Timmons | Crawfordsville, IN

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June 13, 2021

2/8/2014 12:54:00 PM
Bubba and boys have a plan -- Part One

"This here's the long-distance operator calling person to person for a Mr. Tim Timmons."
I groaned. The twang and outdated gobbledygook on the other end of the phone could only be my pal Bubba Castiron. Staring at me from my desk were about six reports I had to complete and it was already mid-afternoon. It was also my turn to make dinner tonight (which meant I was going to hit a drive-through on the way home). On today of all days, I just didn't have time.
"Bubba, I'd like to talk but - "
"Aw Timmons, you know you love talking to me. Shoot-fire, everyone loves talking to Bubba."
My redneck buddy probably wasn't far off the mark. Between him and the gang at the Crawl-On-Inn they were a pretty likable bunch. Besides, other than hanging up on him, there just wasn't much way to hurry Bubba along.
"What can I do for you, Bubba?"
"Well, me and the boys were just reminiscing about the good ol' days and of course when 'old' came up we thought of you."
Bubba snorted.
I sighed.
"Hey, did I ever tell you the talk I had with my first father-in-law when I asked him if I could marry his daughter?"
"No, Bubba, I don't believe I've heard that one."
"Well, I told him that I really was bonkers over his baby girl and wanted to make her my bride. He just looked at me for the longest time and didn't say nothin'. You know me, I just can't stay still so I'm fidgeting a little bit and thinking maybe I ought to say something when he finally breaks the silence. He looks me straight in the eye and says, 'Bubba, do you think you're ready to support a family?'
"I looked him straight back in the eye and said, 'well, no sir. I was just planning on supporting your daughter. The rest of you freeloaders will have to do for yourselves.' "
Bubba laughed and laughed. Much as I tried not to, I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit. See, that's the thing about Bubba. Whether he's sipping from a longneck at the Crawl-On-Inn or taking up time on the phone, he always has a story. Not sure anyone can tell if they're figments of an overactive imagination or real. Only Bubba knows for sure, and sometimes I wonder about that.
"OK Timmons, I really did have a good reason for calling. The boys and me came up with an answer to the unemployment and welfare problem."
My mind was already working on what the punchline was going to be.
"Bubba, I'll play your silly game. What's the solution?"
"Timmons, you're going to have to sit with us for a cold one to find out."
And just like that, Bubba hung up. He could have no idea that one of my many faults is that I can't leave something hanging. Would love to. But can't. What can I say? I'm a newspaper guy at heart and the idea of a good story gets me. Every. Single. Time.
So a trip to the nether parts of Hamilton County was in order. I just wish the Crawl-On-Inn was registered on my car's navigation system.

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