Tim Timmons | Crawfordsville, IN

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June 13, 2021

3/8/2014 9:01:00 AM
Bubba & pals solve government woes

It was the worst Russian accent I had ever heard.
"This here's Vladymar Puddin' and you put Tim Timmons on the phone right now . . . comrade!"
I sighed. Bubba Castiron was on the other end of the phone. Whatever it was, it was going to take time.
"What can I do for you, Bubba?"
"Dang-nab it, Timmons. How do you always know it's me?"
I wanted to tell him I have a keen ear for dialect or maybe that I was clairvoyant. I decided on honesty.
"Caller ID."
"What do you need, Bubba. I'm really kind of busy here."
"Well me and the boys was just talking and we've got the whole problem with gov'mint licked," Bubba said proudly.
I sighed. "OK, Bubba, I'll play your silly game. Which problem do you mean? Heck, you started out with Vladimir Putin, which government do you mean?"
"Aw Timmons, ours, of course. And we got the answer to the whole ball of wax."
This had to be good. Bubba and pals Tater, Gumball, Big Country, Elvis and Bambi were probably all sitting around the Crawl-On-Inn having a drink or three. I'm guessing that this magical answer didn't pop up early in the process.
"It ain't even complicated," he began. "Here's how it works."
Bubba's voice actually dropped a bit. Maybe he thought the phone was tapped?
"The gov'mint has a budget every year, right, and that budget is in the gabillions?"
I hadn't really heard the term gabillions before, but it's government money. Who knows?
"Here's the deal. We take the budget just as they set it up and then we tell them to go on out and buy all the stuff, provide all the services that the budget calls for and then - and this is the important part, Timmons - we tell them that whatever money they save, they get to keep . . . personally."
"Bubba, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard of. Why would we let them keep the money? It's not their money, it belongs to the taxpayers. It's-"
"Hold on, Timmons, that's the brilliant part. This is a one-time thing. You want to know how cheap and how efficient gov-mint can really run? Let them do this and we'll find out exactly how cheap and efficient it can be. And the best part is these guys will all get so rich and have so much money that ain't none of them ever gonna want to work again. So they'll all leave Washington and retire. Then we can change everything back to the way it should be. We can even make a law so that folks who get elected can only serve a few years before they have to go back to their regular jobs. We can outlaw lobbyists. Since we'll know how efficient things can be, we'll make sure things don't get out of kilter again. And Timmons, I done saved the best for last. All that money them former lawmakers got? Every penny is now taxable. Hell, it'll pay off the deficit in a week."
"Geez, Bubba. I don't know. That's a lot of money."
"Timmons, you mean you wouldn't gladly pay one year's budget to get rid of the whole mess of 'em?"
"I'm looking up the number for the Capitol right now."

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