|3/8/2014 8:50:00 AM|
Bubba tackles mass transit
I picked up the phone and could hear the irritating sound of someone smacking their gum. Loudly.
"Is this Tim Timmons?" a raspy, twangy female voice asked.
There was a heavy sigh. "Hold please for the CEO." The voice had gone from raspy to just plain disinterested.
I had a bad feeling I knew where this was going. "Bambi, is that you?"
She didn't answer, but I could hear her from a distance as she handed the phone off. "Forget it Bubba. He knows who it is."
Didn't phase him at all.
"Timmons, this here's the high-ranking chief executive officer of BBCGET Overland Stage and Transit Co. We want to invite you to a press conference wheres we'll announce our non-religious solution to Hamilton County's transportation problem."
For those who don't know, Bubba Castiron is a semi-frequent caller who's usually about three legs short of a solid table. He and his buddies, Gumball, Tater and Big Country hang out at a hole-in-the-wall bar called the Crawl On Inn with bartender Elvis and part-time waitress, part-time truck driver Bambi.
I hate my curiosity sometimes.
"OK, Bubba, what's your solution and how did religion get involved?"
"Aw Timmons, don't you know nuthin' about the way the guv'mint works?"
"You can't mix up religion and guv'mint, Timmons. Hell, I thought everybody knew that."
"I do know that," I said, getting exasperated. "But what's that got to do with this?"
"Everybody's talking about this mass thing," Bubba said. "Getting the churches involved is probably what's slowing the traffic down to begin with."
Honestly, I don't know where he comes up with this stuff. Before I could correct him, he plowed ahead.
"What'd you think of the name?"
"The name, Timmons, the name. Man are you dense sometimes."
I could feel my ears getting warm.
"BBCGET, Timmons. Bubba, Big Country, Gumball, Elvis and Tater."
"What happened to Bambi?"
"She was driving when we came up with the idea."
"So where are you planning on putting this light rail system, Bubba?" I asked. Seemed like a reasonable place to start.
"What light rail?"
"The rail you're going to put the train on."
"Oh no, Timmons, you've got it all wrong. We heard that the train was going to railroad us."
He laughed so hard he started coughing.
"The train's gonna cost near abouts $10 million. There may be a whole lot of rich folks living here, but you get a million here and a million there and pretty soon you got real money. Our idea won't raise taxes one penny."
"D'ja hear Timmons? Horses. We're going to bring back stage coaches."
"Oh Bubba, there's so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start. First off, folks are looking to speed things up. Do you have any idea how long a stagecoach would take?"
"Ever been on 37 or 69 at 7:30 in the morning?" Bubba replied.
"OK, then how about the, ahem, mess that horses leave behind?"
"It's better than the pollution coming out of cars. The horse exhaust is biodegradable."
Fair point again.
"But Bubba, what route would they take?"
"That's the best part, Timmons. The way me and the boys figured it, the straightest route from downtown Noblesville to downtown Indianapolis goes right through Carmel and about a dozen roundabouts."
"So the horses will cut straight through. They aren't going to worry about some stinkin' roundabout."
"How much did you say this was going to cost?"
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