Tim Timmons | Crawfordsville, IN

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May 7, 2021

Torture takes on form of working out

She called it "Insanity."
No, it wasn't about the courthouse parking lot, ramps or elevators. It also wasn't in reference to that geeky management definition of doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.
This, this particular usage was a form of torture that our trainer laughingly calls exercise. She has an evil laugh. What "Insanity" really turns out to be is 60 minutes of non-stop anguish and torment that Dante could've easily used had he opted for 10 levels instead of nine. Then again, when Mr. Alighieri wrote about his trip through hell, he had a Roman poet guiding him. Thursday night at Athena Sport & Fitness, we had an evil demon disguised as a sweet, young trainer named Jenny.
Let me explain.
A few months ago, some idiot (that would be me) came up with the bright idea of creating a fund-raiser for MUFFY based off the TV show The Biggest Loser. So we created The Challenge and Athena, Franciscan St. Elizabeth Health and a few other community-minded businesses teamed up. A few months ago it seemed like a good idea. Let me repeat. I'm an idiot.
We are now in the seventh week of a 10-week program. I not only forgot what good food tastes like, I am counting carbs, calories and the number of McDonald's I drive by without stopping. For a guy whose idea of utopia was a tropical island with a hammock and unlimited Quarter Pounders with cheese, this stinks.
Thing is, I used to be an athlete. Used to be pretty good. Operative words . . . say it with me now, used to.
That was OK with me. After all, I'm pushing 60 and no longer think the Pittsburgh Pirates are going to call when they need a shortstop. So staying in shape slid a bit on the personal priority list.
Then I had this idea. Did I mention I'm an idiot?
There are 12 of us . . . well, there are supposed to be 12. In reality, there are 10. Two who will remain nameless haven't been seen since the aforementioned torturer / trainer Jenny scared them off when she brought out whips.
Maybe Thursday's exercise called "Insanity" was because Jenny thought we were ready. Maybe it was because she's punishing the 10 of us for the two No Shows? Maybe she really is sadistic and wanted to see a nearly 60-year-old cry like a little girl? Who knows? What we do know is that last Thursday she put us through "Insanity."
First came the music - a loud thumping that not only caused your heart to beat faster, it made the hair inside my aging ears cringe. Then we were told to move here, jump there, bend this, fold that . . . oh, and breathe. In. Out. In. Out. I presume she had to remind me because my body was so tired it just couldn't remember how the process was supposed to work.
This went on for approximately six days. Well, it felt like six days. After it was over she told us that it was only "half." Half? There's another half out there somewhere? We must never let this program fall into the hands of our nation's enemies. It's not that it's lethal. It's just that as you go through it you wish it was.
Dante was wrong. There really are 10 levels of hell and Jenny guards the last one.

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